learning to love you.

recently, i watched a video about learning to love yourself. but it was more than that. it was about learning to recognize self-hate and hate that is projected onto others.

for example: when you meet someone (and this doesn't happen very often) and you dislike them from the beginning. there is a trait that they hold which bugs the poop out of you. well, in the video, she goes into detail about how this is actually a trait you see in yourself that you are unhappy with.

wow. i have a tendency to do this on occasion, and it makes a lot of sense. your mind has a weird way of bringing out your self-hate. and it takes time to deal with. and it takes honestly. being honest with yourself, about the difficult stuff. learning to deal with the rough patches, acknowledge their significance, and move on. the moving on is what's important. realizing you have this problem, fix the problem, move on from the problem.

i can do the first two, but for some reason, actually moving past certain things can be difficult for me. my hope is that i can acknowledge this as an issue, and work on it. work on moving past some of my anger and resentments.

i have written about my past, sometimes i'm bitter about the way my mom dealt with things. some days i'm bitter about having a crap relationship with my step-mom. and some days, i literally can't look past it. it holds me down. it consumes me. if instead, i realized that these issues are in the past, that i have dealt with them... it is now time for me to leave them in the past.

because those feelings, those bitter and resentful feelings, they hurt. and they aren't affecting anyone, besides me. my mom and my step-mom don't dwell on these feelings, they don't hold this weight in their heart. and i don't need to either. i acknowledge that they had their time, they had their place in my life. and i need to pick myself up, and walk a little lighter leaving these burdens behind me.

bitterness oozes out of you, it makes you less attractive. i want to be the most beautiful version of myself. that comes from freeing myself of these resentments, it comes from the workouts, it comes from the healthier lifestyle (which is on pause as we move... and have no kitchen to use at the moment).

free yourself from the resentment of your past. acknowledge it's existence within your life. work through the last little bits that are holding on. and shed those extra layers that hold you down, that make you less than the most beautiful version of yourself.

linkup.

so, i have decided to do a linkup for today's post. yay for funny jake and holly!

1. I laughed so hard I cried when... playing "cards against humanity", with my parents, after a couple glasses of wine. you can only imagine the cards that got put together near the end!
2. My high school... was pretty caddy, but i literally had the best group of girlfriends. we weren't the cool kids, except in our heads ;) all that matters, amiright?
3. It really pisses me off... when bitches be causing drama. ain't nobody got time fo 'dat! 

4. In ten years... i see myself with a bunch of chubby babies running around.

I Mean... Come On, Give Me Ten PLEASEANDTHANKYOU

5. If I could erase one thing... it would be about ten pounds from my tummy/legs.
6. In 1999... i was i was counting down the end of the earth in mad style... in a cabin, with the fam-damily, dressed in a poodle skirt. keepin' it classy!
7. Honestly... i am looking forward to the freakin' weekend, athens ohio, here i come. can i get a halleluiah? and honestly, i had no idea how to spell halleluiah, that's a hard one.
8. To me, Sushi... is a gift from the heavens. 

GET IN MY BELLY!

 9. Someone really needs to invent... a transportation system that will get me to work in less time. commutes are no fun.
10. The first time I drank alcohol... was summer before freshman year of high school, i started early y'all!
11. The one question I would ask God is... whatchya doin up there?
12. Lindsay Lohan... is a good example for what not to do... take note.

enjoying the moments.

tyler and i were sitting on the couch last, watching some tv, unwinding. i kept thinking, why aren't we doing something? we aren't we doing more? last weekend we went to bed before eleven, twice. so i asked the man, what's going on, why aren't we being adventurous, enjoying every minute of our lives together?

that's just it.

we have the rest of our lives to be together, and at the same time, we don't. i truly expect to be with tyler for the rest of my life, in sickness and in health. however, there is never a promise of tomorrow. it is not a given. i think we can be reminded of that in times of tragedy, such as the Boston Marathon yesterday. the people that lost their lives. never thought that would be the last day.

so yes, we have the rest of our lives. but we also have only today. every day doesn't need to be a raging party, but it should be enjoyed. even if that just means a tickle fight before bed, or going out for ice cream.

Cheezin' Hard

tomorrow is not a given. today is truly a gift, so remember to smile and lift your chin up.

having kids.

i have wanted to have a family of my own since, well forever. minus the year i decided to be a rebel, claiming i wanted no part of having children. so for twenty two of my twenty three years, i have wanted a family. it stems from having such a large, close family. we thoroughly enjoy being around each other... crazy!

i have the man of my dreams. and i want to have children, in our future. however, my definition of future is the next few years. for my generation, i am not the minority. for my grandma, for my mom... they had already had children at my age. i have the itch. my peers, they don't understand. they are solely focused (mostly) on their careers. waiting until they get into their thirties to focus on a family. honestly, i am happy that they have those goals and ambitions. my goals and ambitions just happen to be a little different. to have a happy and healthy family, those are my goals.

people don't seem to think that is adequate. "enjoy your twenties", "have fun while you're still young", and "enjoy being a newlywed" are phrases i have heard more times than once. here is what i don't get, i celebrate your career! i am happy for your promotion! i am over-the-moon that you get to work in an awesome city! i am working, and happily so! i love my job. but it doesn't complete me, it doesn't fill the family void that i feel. and i want to wait, and enjoy time with just tyler, once we are a married couple.

Enjoying Each Other, Always - Athens, Ohio

but please don't judge our path simply because it might be different than yours. please don't tell me how to live my life, celebrate it... the same as i do for you. treat others as you want to be treated. it is the golden rule, after all.

traveling with girl scouts.

the summer before my freshman year of high school i went on my first overseas adventure. in the year leading up to each of my excursions (four in total), my family and i worked downtown at concession stands to raise money for my trip. how selfless of my parents to take time out of their schedules to drive downtown and work with me, sometimes after being at work all day. i am beyond grateful to them for these experiences, and for teaching me hard work and dedication pay off.

my first trip, i was fourteen years old. we traveled to france and italy. ten days, two countries, four cities. it was an exhilarating whirlwind. we had people on our coach (tour bus) from california, and long story short, i fell in love. i fell in love with traveling, i fell in love with immersing myself in different cultures, and i fell in love with a boy. a short, abroad love affair at fourteen. it was bliss. i don't think any trip will rival that first trip, all the new experiences. i'm excited to travel abroad with tyler, sometime in our future, and i can't wait for him to experience traveling abroad (he has never been). anyways, i have no pictures of that trip, but memories i hope to remember for a long time.

my second trip was to england, ireland, scotland and wales. this trip was fourteen days long, four countries and countless cities. this was definitely the trip where i bonded with my girlfriends the most, and i am so thankful for that. in the picture below, to my left and right, are two of closest friends. they will both be bridesmaids in november. 

Ring of Kerry - County Kerry, Ireland

Kissing the Blarney Stone - Cork, Ireland

Outside the Globe - London, England

on my third trip, i had really gotten used to traveling... in europe. we were not going to europe, and i was a little nervous about the flight. we went to new zealand and australia. wow. let me tell you, it's definitely worth the long flight. this trip was definitely all about nature for me, on fraser island, australia, my love affair with stars began. i was walking along the path from our resort to the beach, and at some point the lights on the path ended and i was in complete darkness. i looked up. never again in my life have i witnessed anything more majestic. more whole than when i looked at the sky that evening. i could never do it justice. go there. see the stars. feel how little you are in the world, and remember that this is a beautiful life. it gives me chills to just write it down. i want to take tyler there some day, so he can understand my love for the stars.

Feeding an Emu - Australia

Hanging with a Donkey - New Zealand

on my final trip, we went to germany, france and spain. this was an interesting one for me. i had one of my lowest moments ever, in my life, on that trip. i also found my favorite country, thus far. germany. i loved it from the moment we landed. the food, the beer, the rich/sad history. all of it. this trip was bittersweet, but looking back, i am so happy that i experienced it all. i have grown from that darkness that took place (maybe a post for another day), and i am forever grateful for having been to all of these places.

Beer - Munich, Germany

On the Arc de Triomphe - Paris, France

Sangria - Girona, Spain

Barcelona, Spain

i have traveled. i am forever grateful to girl scouts and my parents for giving me these opportunities. and i can't wait to continue to travel. with the love of my life. with my future family. it reminds you what's important in life and gives you great prospective on the world as a whole.

travel. it's a wonderful journey. it's better to be rich with experience than rich in the bank. tyler and i are planning a trip to germany for our one year anniversary (november 9th, 2014). we don't have enough vacation time with work to do it for our honeymoon. so until then, i will enjoy the united states :)

girl scouts.

from the beginning of first grade until i graduated from high school, i can proudly say i was a girl scout. for that matter, i will always be a girl scout.

in first grade, my best friend, laura, and i decided we wanted to be in girl scouts. so we sent our moms off to the meeting about forming a troop. and when no one else volunteered, they stepped up and became our leaders. in first grade, we had ten girls in our troop. throughout the years, some new girls joined and some girls dropped, but on graduation day six out of the ten original were still apart of the same troop. we spent twelve years together, wow.

we would meet every other thursday night and do anything from crafts to plan our next camping trip to learn about household responsibilities. and as the middle child, it was time my mom dedicated to just me. well, just me and my friends, i never got any special treatment.

as we grew older, we went on more camping trips, or sleepovers at the mall, trips to sea world, and the science center. we learned about each other, we learned about respect. respecting nature, respecting ourselves, and others.

it's now when i reflect on this time that i am truly grateful for the opportunities. the opportunity to be around other girls, to respect each other, to build leadership skills together. girl scouts has truly helped make me the woman i am today.

and now, when i have no children of my own, no responsibilities, i chose to have my own troop. for about three months, i have been a leader to a group of first graders. my goal is to give them every opportunity i was given. to empower them to grow into strong, beautiful, independent women. because that's what girl scouts is all about. lifting up women/girls, giving them the tools to be successful. i'm excited about this journey in my life.

my struggle.

i have something on my mind today, so i wanted to step away from my history and talk about a current struggle. my ongoing struggle.

i'm not sure when my love affair with food started, i think that i have always enjoyed food. from an early age, probably from my travels, i enjoyed a more grown up palette. i liked caviar. i like caviar. but somewhere along the way, i also really enjoyed doritos... and pasta... and chicken fingers... and taco bell. the list goes on and on, oh french fries. yum.

my love of food turned into an issue, probably in high school. but most definitely when i went to college. the dining halls were all you can eat. so my portions started to get out of control. i am now twenty pounds heavier then when i started college. i'm curvy. i always have been curvy, but now it's exaggerated. and on my 5'1" frame, i'm not looking how i would like.

but this isn't a post where i sit and complain. i want to talk about the issue behind my eating. and my goal to turn it around. food is fuel for our bodies. we should be putting in nutrients and protein that will fuel a healthier lifestyle. it's not about going on a diet, it's about training the mind. training it to recognize healthy food as good food. not dream about shoving doritos down my throat while i eat a salad. it's about recognizing that the salad will lead me down a healthier path. the path that hopefully leads to me losing a few pounds.

see, i have been going to the gym. about three to four times a week since january. and i haven't lost a single pound. that is a struggle. some days i can recognize that i might be toning up a little, but nothing significant.

a new change has to start now, integrating a lifestyle change. to be fit in the kitchen as well as in the gym. to make healthy choices when we go out on the weekends. to know the world won't end if i don't eat fries every weekend. it's about going to the gym three to four times a week and eating right. it's about having a cheat meal once a week, instead of nine meals during the weekend.

it's about a lifestyle change. and it's about my struggle with weight and body image turning around.

tradition.

growing up with such a big family was a lot of fun. and since i never knew what having one set of parents was like, i never felt like i was missing out. when people felt sorry for me for having divorced parents, i would remind them that i got two birthdays and two christmas'. as a child, two is always better than just one.

i also got the opportunity to travel more. vacations with both sides of the family. traveling has become one of my greatest hobbies because of my circumstances. traveling came on special occasions, holidays, and summer vacation. the holiday traveling, the traditions. i am a sucker for tradition.

on my mom's side, we would always go to a different state park (in ohio) for thanksgiving. the whole family (at least everyone who could make it) met at the cabins. we would play games, cook, hike, and just enjoy. i truly am thankful for every thanksgiving we spent at those cabins. this tradition has gone by the wayside, i think our individual families started expanding and it just didn't work anymore. but oh, the memories. not showering for days, getting lost in the woods for hours (but always finding our way back), forgetting to pack the turkey (uh-oh papa!).... the list could go on for hours. being around family is important, savoring tradition.

on my dad's side, we would spend every easter down in florida at suzanne's mom's (florence) house. now, this tradition started long before i was around. and for a few years, my dad thought i was too young to go. so megan would go and i would sit at home, seething with jealousy. and rightfully so, because when i was old enough... so much fun was had. florence lived outside of ft. lauderdale, in a golf community, delray dunes. we would take golf cart rides at night when the course was closed, my older siblings driving and me holding on for dear life! during the day, we usually headed to the ocean club, where you could order whatever you wanted, a child's dream. for me that included a heavy diet of shirley temples and chocolate milkshakes. it was truly the life. this tradition ended when florence passed away, and we were all truly sad to see it go.

thanksgiving and easter. two traditions i valued highly as a child, and have fond memories of today. i hope in my future, tyler and i will begin to start our own traditions that our future children can cherish.

my start.

so let's go back to the very beginning. the beginning of my life.

i was born september 27th, 1989. my parents separated shortly into my mom's pregnancy, and thus, on my birthday my dad was not there to hold my mom's hand. he was not there for those first moments of my life. he did come to the hospital, whether it was that day or the day after, the details are fuzzy.

i don't think my birth was a happy time. of course, they (my mom and dad), were both happy i was alive. but in their lives, it was a period of adjusting, and i think a baby makes that more difficult. i can say this, with some certainty, because there are no pictures of me as a young baby. that was not a picture taking time.

moving on, i was born and brought home. a home with my mom and my older sister, megan. megan is five years older than me, and my only full blood sibling. she was the wild child growing up, but that's another post for another day.

so, it was my mom, sister and i. that was my very beginning. a beginning, like all others, that is not of my own memory.

as i grew into a toddler and child, i was introduced to the rest of my family. my dad remarried when i was about three years old. i gained my step mom, suzanne, as well as my three step siblings, becca, mike and jenny.

and as i grew a little older, my step dad, mark, came into our lives. him and my mom got married when i was five. and my half brother, andrew, was born a little over a year after that.

by the time i was six, my whole family had arrived in my life. this crazy, large, confusing family tree of mine is home. together and separately, we all get along. we all laugh together and truly enjoy each others company.

that is the start of my life, the family i was born into. 

the beginning.

so this begins a new chapter in my life. a beginning to write down. to remember the little details that might begin to fade with time. 

and a new chapter, a new beginning, it truly is in my life. but not a chapter that i am starting alone, no. this chapter involves my handsome hubby to be and our adorable pup. 

tyler, ellie, and i

it didn't just start, but this is the beginning of writing it down. because i know how fast it might go. and i want to remember it all, years from now. i want the beginning of our story to be here, for our future children to read. ah, children, we will get to that :) in good time.

lets start with the man.

engagement pictures, december 2012

tyler, the future hubs, and i have been together for three and a half years now. engaged for five months. the love of my life and i are getting married on november ninth, of this year, 2013. only seven short months away. 

i get to marry the man of my dreams, i am truly the luckiest girl in the world. tyler is most caring man. when i have a problem, he has to help me fix it. he wants to see me at my happiest at all times, and will do anything to make that happen. he cooks me dinner when i'm at the gym too late, he carries in all the groceries so i don't have to, he vacuums when it needs done. honestly, how did i get so lucky? 

i plan on going back, blogging about my past, and seeing where it takes me. this is my story. my journey to folly. enjoy.